Sophie the Great's Guide to Nicknames

Inspired by Georbgie, created by tampons.

{Throughout my decades of being an international superstar – most of my success derived from the hit of my erotic novels for children – I have been asked to do many things. No requests, however, can measure up to this one. Anticipated by many, and feared by even more, ladies and gentlemen, I am proud to present Sophie the Great’s Guide to Nicknames.}

Any unwilling soul who is familiar with the concept of ‘the bible’ within my friendship circle should automatically be excited by the concept of a guide to nicknames. But for those of you who do not understand, allow me to explain.

The friendship circle in which I shit in use nicknames for many reasons. At times, nicknames are merely used to decipher the differences between people with the same name. We sometimes use nicknames just so we can talk about you in your presence without you having the slightest idea what we are talking about. But we also use nicknames as a small form of private revenge, loathing, or simply for the hell of it. And, very occasionally, we use nicknames as a way to compliment somebody. So, to discover the reason behind your nickname, we have created the Great Guide to Nicknames. Without any further ado, let’s begin.

General Nicknames

At times, nicknames can be a fantastic tool to ensure differences between people. Often, we will take the trait of a person [skin colour, last name, eyebrow shape, etc.] to establish a nickname for the victim in question. Other pieces of information also allow us to create a nickname – “Charlie’s Friend Jack” is a prime example. Other uses include “Vodka Flask”, “Creepy”, “Mike”, “Freckly Knees”, “Manchester” and “Golfcourse”. General comments about appearances include the prefixes “fat”, “lanky” and “fit” [no, these are not all the same person], and the suffixes “fun eyebrows”, “with the hair” and “eyebrow piercing” are also commonly used. I could go on – there are so many - including “the pirate” and “sunshine head”. If you have a nickname similar to one of these, just pray it’s because we like you.

Code Names

Have you ever been listening to a conversation of ours and wondered what the hell we’re on about when we speak of “Jambon” and “Ravin’ Chipmunk”? This is because we are talking in code, and most likely talking about you or somebody you care about whilst you’re in our presence. Code nicknames could be considered the most ‘random’ by some people, but there are almost always reasons as to why that person has that particular code name. Keep an ear out for some of our favourite codenames:

Poo

Sylvia

Sexy Bird

Jambon

Dama

Elad Salad

Goldfish

Raving Chipmunk

The Fringe

Butlins

October Half-term

Mushroom head

Fishhook

Seagull

Poland

The Laugh

If you know any of these are you, run for the hills. We be chattin’ about you.

Hateful Nicknames

Possibly the most simple to understand, yet the ultimate penance for hurting one of our kind, hateful nicknames are extremely useful in many situations. They can even be slightly altered in order to use them as code names. The chances are you have a hateful nickname if any one [or more] of us hate you for any of these reasons:

a) You have sexually harassed one of our friends

b) You are ugly but think you're god's gift

c) You have insulted something that is considered a common interest in the group

d) If you have insulted McFLY or turned a McFLY banner green [seriously, I’ll turn the world against you if you commit this SICK crime]

d) If you have pissed off anyone we know in any way, really.

Hateful Nicknames are the easiest to decipher unless you are a complete and utter moron [which you probably are if you have a nickname].

If you have something like "cockface" added to your name, this is not a compliment. Even if you do like to stick it in anything.

The same goes for the suffixes – some personal favourites include "headphone jack", "fanny-features", "does not exist" and "asstard".

Some prefixes express dislike for everything about your person – e.g. “Urgh”, , “Peado” and “Toilethead”.

If you believe that you have one of our home-brewed hateful nicknames, congratulations – you’re a prick.

Other Nicknames

Some names may seem positive [e.g. “sexpot”], but we’re being sarcastic; we don’t tend to have positive names for people unless you are God, Jeremy Clarkson or Stephen Fry.

Others are in reference to things you have done or are suspected to have done. For example, the prefix “relentless” isn’t referring to how inexorable you are. Same goes for the suffixes “clit piercing”, “puppy sex”, “Bus window”, “Guitar Hero”, “had sex with ”, “bogey” and “iron brew”.

Often if we find your name somewhat less entertaining than we would prefer, we will change it to suit our needs, and shall completely ignore your opinion on the matter. Some well-known and well-loved examples include Larry, Jake and Jarvith. If you are lucky enough, we shall just adapt your surname to suit our immature but nonetheless entertaining humour. One person who is lucky enough to have encountered this is Mr Mmmmmmoyle.

On occasion, we have been known to change your name into something much more suitable due to a television programme, book, film or another form of media [e.g. Freddie Fun Sponge]. Some find this easier to cope with as they are able to understand the origin of the nickname. But, if you are unlucky enough to have never viewed the TV show/film/magazine that we took your nickname from, you shall just be frightened further as more people will understand the joke, which results in more people laughing at you. Tough tits, really.

The addition of “Got Milk?” to any name is especially hilarious.

For a full list of names or any further questions, I recommend you ask either myself or Georbgie.

And if you wish to file a complaint, please contact the BBC and be effortlessly ignored.

Signed,

Sophie the Great