Paddy O'Connor
"Time for a shave!" --A mirror on Paddy
"Ahh yes, the motivation behind all my work." --Amy Winehouse on Paddy
"Paddy just keeps asking me, but I don't know!" --Jim on the infamous light
"Your Dad needs to wear a bra." --Mini Becca on Paddy
"Don't take this personally, Mini Becca, but that cushion is also as big as you." --Paddy on Mini Becca
Sir Patrick Needs-To-Shave-Once-In-A-While O'Irish, more commonly known as "Paddy" or "Get The Fuck Off My Wife/Girlfriend/Daughter/Son" was born approximately three million years before the Big Bang, and approximately 999999999999999 years before the bra [hence why his breasts roam freely in the land of Gnarnia]. Many scientists have theories that, in fact, it was the work of Paddy and a rather powerful curry that created the Big Bang. Unfortunately, evidence to prove this is yet to be found.
Paddy has been known to make some great discoveries: he invented the beer belly function; on one of his many great endeavours he stumbled across the barn and began to rent it in order to "party on and keep young, man"; he also wrote the Bible, which is known in this day as Sophie's Physics Book. Paddy introduced a new perspective to the world, which eventually ended up as his own religion [Gettingtrolliedism]. Eventually, he even claimed rights to Russia, claiming that in his day they didn't have internet and the Hippety-Hoppety Brigade to help run a country, and therefore he became official ruler of the country. He enforced many new rules, that a majority of the younger generation supported and obeyed. He wrote the song "Party Hard" [the most common version known was by Andrew WK, but when it was first written Paddy gathered his 'stoners' to form a choir and sing this song]. "Party Hard" by The Stoners reached number one in the charts in August of 1461, and instantly became Russia's national anthem. Paddy also improved the quality of beverages available in his country; after realising that pissing in Coke was a mistake, he had it banned.
However, after meeting in the House Of Commons with the Flintstones for many centuries & making the discovery of how cannabis can be used as a temporary anaesthetic, Paddy began to feel lonely. His first seven husbands and/or wives [citation needed] had died due to various incidents [evidence suggests that the most common incident was his spouse choking on his never-ending nipple hair]. He had already achieved so much with his life, but he "felt like there was something missing". He had provoked the biggest question known to man: Where is the light, Jim?; with the help of the infamous Ginger Joey, he created the wonderful "Lemonade from Earlier" and "Just Coke"; he discovered what was later to be known as "his bedroom that nobody's allowed to go into, but let's go in anyway, spill cider/vodka/glowstick liquid on his bed and leave". But none of his great accomplishments could perish the loneliness he felt inside. He decided he needed a companion, prefibly one that would not be overwhelmed to death by his large man breasts. Luckily for Paddy, he found a dog that was later to ironically be named Whisper. In his words, she "can't shut the fuck up! Shut the fuck up dog, will you? God, fucking women! Always has to have the last word!" Despite their rocky relationship, Whisper and Paddy embarked on an incredible journey together, a journey that is still continuing in the depths of the barn.
After several hundred years with Whisper, Paddy began to, again, feel lonely. And once he had invented the internet in 1732 [formerly known as "the fucking thing, Harry, please just get the fuck off it!"], he decided that he needed another companion, but one of his own kind. He considered accepting Garry Glitter's marriage proposal, but Paddy felt he was too old for Gary.
Therefore, he felt the need to create life. There are many rumours about how he ended his loneliness-- one of the most commonly known myths is that he created Slarve [more commonly known as Jesus]-- but Paddy confirmed that he created "the little shit". "The little shit" which he refers to also goes by the name of Harry O'Connor. Harry and Paddy are known to continually fight and torture eachother, much to the amusement of thousands of party-goers. Despite the continual arguments, it is believed that Harry is the inspiration for all the parties. In an interview in 1992, Paddy revealed, "My boy Harry may only be two and a half, but he drinks like an Abbie & parties like a Paddy. I honestly don't know where he gets it from."
Four years later, after deciding that he could not bear to handle the now four-year-old alcoholic Harry on his own, he produced another, yet much more fantastic, child, who currently goes by the name as Sophie O'Connor [or in some cases Jim]. Paddy had finally created his perfect, illegitimate family that he had always hoped for, and he planned to drown them in Nike clothing and move to a council estate. Sophie also followed in Paddy's footsteps in regard to the heavy drinking and continual smoking, but at the age of four, she realised what the chain smoking and binge drinking was doing to her body, and she decided to give it all up in order to pay the bills and teach Whisper various sex positions.
At the age of 673926473820374634742937465463937252523
849484624153.5, Paddy decided it was time to move out of his house in La Minge. He moved permanently to the barn, and is currently in the same living situation. He has extended the barn, and added another room, known as the caravan. The barn contains a variety of musical instruments, most of which Paddy attempts to play with huge failure. The barn also features three very tatty sofas, estimated to belong to the Ancient Greek period. The bong, cereal and frying pans [and the teapots, can't forget the teapots for Lauren!] are from a newer time period, most likely from the latter parts of the 20th century.
Overall, Paddy has made a marvellous impact on the world and the way we live in it. A day never goes by without hearing the echo of somebody yelling "Oh Shit!" as they drop their last bit of hash on the floor, and not a week passes without seeing a member of the Science or Geography department at FSG wearing a Paddy shirt, and not a Parents Evening goes by without a Mother being sent to the car for laughing.
Due to his other five albums reaching number one in the charts, Paddy is currently recording his sixth album, which has no definite title as of yet. He returned from his charity work in Los Angeles to help the rich and famous in late September, and is being congratulated by the Queen on national television. His advertisements with Steven Fry & Jesus that broadcasted on BBC channels nationally were a huge success, and Paddy is making millions by the minute. His book "The Secrets to Dad Dancing, Even When Wankered" is due for release in July 2009. Unfortunately, his cosmetics range is currently being tested for traces of cocaine and monkey faeces, but the range is still available at Netto.
"Thou shalt not question Paddy O'Irish." --Steven Fry on his twin, Paddy
External Links
Paddy's MySpace: www.myspace.com/fuck_off_harry
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