Sophie the Great's Guide to Nicknames

Inspired by Georbgie, created by tampons.

{Throughout my decades of being an international superstar – most of my success derived from the hit of my erotic novels for children – I have been asked to do many things. No requests, however, can measure up to this one. Anticipated by many, and feared by even more, ladies and gentlemen, I am proud to present Sophie the Great’s Guide to Nicknames.}

Any unwilling soul who is familiar with the concept of ‘the bible’ within my friendship circle should automatically be excited by the concept of a guide to nicknames. But for those of you who do not understand, allow me to explain.

The friendship circle in which I shit in use nicknames for many reasons. At times, nicknames are merely used to decipher the differences between people with the same name. We sometimes use nicknames just so we can talk about you in your presence without you having the slightest idea what we are talking about. But we also use nicknames as a small form of private revenge, loathing, or simply for the hell of it. And, very occasionally, we use nicknames as a way to compliment somebody. So, to discover the reason behind your nickname, we have created the Great Guide to Nicknames. Without any further ado, let’s begin.

General Nicknames

At times, nicknames can be a fantastic tool to ensure differences between people. Often, we will take the trait of a person [skin colour, last name, eyebrow shape, etc.] to establish a nickname for the victim in question. Other pieces of information also allow us to create a nickname – “Charlie’s Friend Jack” is a prime example. Other uses include “Vodka Flask”, “Creepy”, “Mike”, “Freckly Knees”, “Manchester” and “Golfcourse”. General comments about appearances include the prefixes “fat”, “lanky” and “fit” [no, these are not all the same person], and the suffixes “fun eyebrows”, “with the hair” and “eyebrow piercing” are also commonly used. I could go on – there are so many - including “the pirate” and “sunshine head”. If you have a nickname similar to one of these, just pray it’s because we like you.

Code Names

Have you ever been listening to a conversation of ours and wondered what the hell we’re on about when we speak of “Jambon” and “Ravin’ Chipmunk”? This is because we are talking in code, and most likely talking about you or somebody you care about whilst you’re in our presence. Code nicknames could be considered the most ‘random’ by some people, but there are almost always reasons as to why that person has that particular code name. Keep an ear out for some of our favourite codenames:

Poo

Sylvia

Sexy Bird

Jambon

Dama

Elad Salad

Goldfish

Raving Chipmunk

The Fringe

Butlins

October Half-term

Mushroom head

Fishhook

Seagull

Poland

The Laugh

If you know any of these are you, run for the hills. We be chattin’ about you.

Hateful Nicknames

Possibly the most simple to understand, yet the ultimate penance for hurting one of our kind, hateful nicknames are extremely useful in many situations. They can even be slightly altered in order to use them as code names. The chances are you have a hateful nickname if any one [or more] of us hate you for any of these reasons:

a) You have sexually harassed one of our friends

b) You are ugly but think you're god's gift

c) You have insulted something that is considered a common interest in the group

d) If you have insulted McFLY or turned a McFLY banner green [seriously, I’ll turn the world against you if you commit this SICK crime]

d) If you have pissed off anyone we know in any way, really.

Hateful Nicknames are the easiest to decipher unless you are a complete and utter moron [which you probably are if you have a nickname].

If you have something like "cockface" added to your name, this is not a compliment. Even if you do like to stick it in anything.

The same goes for the suffixes – some personal favourites include "headphone jack", "fanny-features", "does not exist" and "asstard".

Some prefixes express dislike for everything about your person – e.g. “Urgh”, , “Peado” and “Toilethead”.

If you believe that you have one of our home-brewed hateful nicknames, congratulations – you’re a prick.

Other Nicknames

Some names may seem positive [e.g. “sexpot”], but we’re being sarcastic; we don’t tend to have positive names for people unless you are God, Jeremy Clarkson or Stephen Fry.

Others are in reference to things you have done or are suspected to have done. For example, the prefix “relentless” isn’t referring to how inexorable you are. Same goes for the suffixes “clit piercing”, “puppy sex”, “Bus window”, “Guitar Hero”, “had sex with ”, “bogey” and “iron brew”.

Often if we find your name somewhat less entertaining than we would prefer, we will change it to suit our needs, and shall completely ignore your opinion on the matter. Some well-known and well-loved examples include Larry, Jake and Jarvith. If you are lucky enough, we shall just adapt your surname to suit our immature but nonetheless entertaining humour. One person who is lucky enough to have encountered this is Mr Mmmmmmoyle.

On occasion, we have been known to change your name into something much more suitable due to a television programme, book, film or another form of media [e.g. Freddie Fun Sponge]. Some find this easier to cope with as they are able to understand the origin of the nickname. But, if you are unlucky enough to have never viewed the TV show/film/magazine that we took your nickname from, you shall just be frightened further as more people will understand the joke, which results in more people laughing at you. Tough tits, really.

The addition of “Got Milk?” to any name is especially hilarious.

For a full list of names or any further questions, I recommend you ask either myself or Georbgie.

And if you wish to file a complaint, please contact the BBC and be effortlessly ignored.

Signed,

Sophie the Great

Only Uncyclopedia could motivate this..

--{This article has been demanded by thousands over the past few months, possibly even years. Therefore, it is my duty to deliver this article, but unfortunately, Uncyclopedia is being a dick and won't let me set up an account. So I have had to stoop to posting this masterpiece of an article on Bebo. Thousands of my blog fans will not understand and/or appreciate this article, but I'm sure Cicely, Georbgie, Charlie and the rest of Scooby Doo's gang will will appreciate it greatly.}--

Paddy O'Connor


"Time for a shave!" --A mirror on Paddy

"Ahh yes, the motivation behind all my work." --Amy Winehouse on Paddy

"Paddy just keeps asking me, but I don't know!" --Jim on the infamous light

"Your Dad needs to wear a bra." --Mini Becca on Paddy

"Don't take this personally, Mini Becca, but that cushion is also as big as you." --Paddy on Mini Becca


Sir Patrick Needs-To-Shave-Once-In-A-While O'Irish, more commonly known as "Paddy" or "Get The Fuck Off My Wife/Girlfriend/Daughter/Son" was born approximately three million years before the Big Bang, and approximately 999999999999999 years before the bra [hence why his breasts roam freely in the land of Gnarnia]. Many scientists have theories that, in fact, it was the work of Paddy and a rather powerful curry that created the Big Bang. Unfortunately, evidence to prove this is yet to be found.

Paddy has been known to make some great discoveries: he invented the beer belly function; on one of his many great endeavours he stumbled across the barn and began to rent it in order to "party on and keep young, man"; he also wrote the Bible, which is known in this day as Sophie's Physics Book. Paddy introduced a new perspective to the world, which eventually ended up as his own religion [Gettingtrolliedism]. Eventually, he even claimed rights to Russia, claiming that in his day they didn't have internet and the Hippety-Hoppety Brigade to help run a country, and therefore he became official ruler of the country. He enforced many new rules, that a majority of the younger generation supported and obeyed. He wrote the song "Party Hard" [the most common version known was by Andrew WK, but when it was first written Paddy gathered his 'stoners' to form a choir and sing this song]. "Party Hard" by The Stoners reached number one in the charts in August of 1461, and instantly became Russia's national anthem. Paddy also improved the quality of beverages available in his country; after realising that pissing in Coke was a mistake, he had it banned.

However, after meeting in the House Of Commons with the Flintstones for many centuries & making the discovery of how cannabis can be used as a temporary anaesthetic, Paddy began to feel lonely. His first seven husbands and/or wives [citation needed] had died due to various incidents [evidence suggests that the most common incident was his spouse choking on his never-ending nipple hair]. He had already achieved so much with his life, but he "felt like there was something missing". He had provoked the biggest question known to man: Where is the light, Jim?; with the help of the infamous Ginger Joey, he created the wonderful "Lemonade from Earlier" and "Just Coke"; he discovered what was later to be known as "his bedroom that nobody's allowed to go into, but let's go in anyway, spill cider/vodka/glowstick liquid on his bed and leave". But none of his great accomplishments could perish the loneliness he felt inside. He decided he needed a companion, prefibly one that would not be overwhelmed to death by his large man breasts. Luckily for Paddy, he found a dog that was later to ironically be named Whisper. In his words, she "can't shut the fuck up! Shut the fuck up dog, will you? God, fucking women! Always has to have the last word!" Despite their rocky relationship, Whisper and Paddy embarked on an incredible journey together, a journey that is still continuing in the depths of the barn.

After several hundred years with Whisper, Paddy began to, again, feel lonely. And once he had invented the internet in 1732 [formerly known as "the fucking thing, Harry, please just get the fuck off it!"], he decided that he needed another companion, but one of his own kind. He considered accepting Garry Glitter's marriage proposal, but Paddy felt he was too old for Gary.

Therefore, he felt the need to create life. There are many rumours about how he ended his loneliness-- one of the most commonly known myths is that he created Slarve [more commonly known as Jesus]-- but Paddy confirmed that he created "the little shit". "The little shit" which he refers to also goes by the name of Harry O'Connor. Harry and Paddy are known to continually fight and torture eachother, much to the amusement of thousands of party-goers. Despite the continual arguments, it is believed that Harry is the inspiration for all the parties. In an interview in 1992, Paddy revealed, "My boy Harry may only be two and a half, but he drinks like an Abbie & parties like a Paddy. I honestly don't know where he gets it from."

Four years later, after deciding that he could not bear to handle the now four-year-old alcoholic Harry on his own, he produced another, yet much more fantastic, child, who currently goes by the name as Sophie O'Connor [or in some cases Jim]. Paddy had finally created his perfect, illegitimate family that he had always hoped for, and he planned to drown them in Nike clothing and move to a council estate. Sophie also followed in Paddy's footsteps in regard to the heavy drinking and continual smoking, but at the age of four, she realised what the chain smoking and binge drinking was doing to her body, and she decided to give it all up in order to pay the bills and teach Whisper various sex positions.

At the age of 673926473820374634742937465463937252523
849484624153.5, Paddy decided it was time to move out of his house in La Minge. He moved permanently to the barn, and is currently in the same living situation. He has extended the barn, and added another room, known as the caravan. The barn contains a variety of musical instruments, most of which Paddy attempts to play with huge failure. The barn also features three very tatty sofas, estimated to belong to the Ancient Greek period. The bong, cereal and frying pans [and the teapots, can't forget the teapots for Lauren!] are from a newer time period, most likely from the latter parts of the 20th century.

Overall, Paddy has made a marvellous impact on the world and the way we live in it. A day never goes by without hearing the echo of somebody yelling "Oh Shit!" as they drop their last bit of hash on the floor, and not a week passes without seeing a member of the Science or Geography department at FSG wearing a Paddy shirt, and not a Parents Evening goes by without a Mother being sent to the car for laughing.

Due to his other five albums reaching number one in the charts, Paddy is currently recording his sixth album, which has no definite title as of yet. He returned from his charity work in Los Angeles to help the rich and famous in late September, and is being congratulated by the Queen on national television. His advertisements with Steven Fry & Jesus that broadcasted on BBC channels nationally were a huge success, and Paddy is making millions by the minute. His book "The Secrets to Dad Dancing, Even When Wankered" is due for release in July 2009. Unfortunately, his cosmetics range is currently being tested for traces of cocaine and monkey faeces, but the range is still available at Netto.

"Thou shalt not question Paddy O'Irish." --Steven Fry on his twin, Paddy


External Links

Paddy's MySpace: www.myspace.com/fuck_off_harry

"Erotic blogging is so 2009.."

Thanks to the magazine 'Company', Georbgie and I came to the conclusion that I should be the X-Rated Carrie Bradshaw of this generation and, since "erotic blogging is so 2009", I've decided to release my inner horny bitch through the delight of a blog. Now, let me whisk you away into a land where candy floss is an urban term for pubic hairs, and where ice cream can be put in a microwave..

A day in the life of Michael
Once upon a time, a pubic hair roamed the body. I was that pubic hair. I was having fun with my many, many friends around the testicles when I suddenly stopped. I noticed a shaven cave coming down on me and the boys. It smelt funny-- sort of cod-like, or maybe scampi-- I couldn't put my finger on it. The sea creature cave jumped onto Master Herald and I heard a strange grunting noise; oh my god, the big guy upstairs is having sex! It was that time of the month when his wife actually shags him. This was a rare occurrence for all of us, so we were not really used to it, especially tall ol' Pete, who seems to always be as tall as a tower and pulled at on a regular basis. The fishy cave that seemed to be forced onto us at an increasing rate suddenly slowed, and strange gasps could be heard.
"Oh shit, that's my wife!" God yelled. He suddenly stood up, causing all of us to be forced down by gravity at an impossible rate. He started rummaging around and putting his trousers on-- oh no, he forgot his boxers-- and started doing up the zip. Ow, ow! He got a load of us caught in the zip. I managed to escape, but Bertie wasn't so lucky. He got pulled up by the force of the zip, and as much as we tried to grab onto him, we couldn't save him. He was one of my poker buddies. I sure will miss him.

The truth behind Georbgie's mind
Bob and I had to stop 'making tea' as soon as we heard his wife come in. We started getting dressed abruptly, and I had to do the classic climb-out-of-his-window-and-roll-down-the-hill-into-a-rose-bush trick. Quite painful, really. I climbed into my car, drove home and immediately dived onto my bed. My hand slipped under the waistband of my skirt and reached for my pussy eagerly. I carried on from where I was:
Bob walked into the room, wearing a tight leather policeman's outfit that cupped his balls in a delicate yet manly manner. Following Lee were his five friends dressed as an Indian, a cowboy, a builder, a sailor and a frying pan. In turn, they each shagged/bummed/played snap with her. The others left her in the room alone with the builder Lee, her pussy dripping wet. It was beyond the slipperiness of a bar of soap now; it was like a soap and wet fish factory. She reached out for his throbbing 'pens' and gripped it tightly. She put it into her mouth and suddenly clenched her teeth around it. He let out a tight yelp, so she continued. After snapping his cock off, she spat it out and put it above the fire place with the other penises.
"Shoo!" I ordered him, urging for him to send the next one in.
Ahh, that would be the best gang bang ever..

{Assisted by Saffi and Georbgie}

Storytime with the Physics Gang

The Owls and the Penises.
Trafalgar Square held many owls. One in particular danced out from the crowd. Flora was his name, and his job was a rent-boy which that murdered his wife. But one day, when he got home from work, he found his wife fingering his daughter. He was very suicidal about this, so he went down to the local Miss Bradley's Classroom and got really burned. He returned home four days later, covered in teapot and smelling of ladel. When he got in, he discovered a woman sitting on his bed. "Hey, I'm Pidge and I'm a prostitute." The woman said. "Your wife sent me to thrust you; it's her way of aplologising." So, they began to ignite, but then she pulled out a penis and killed him. The end.

Romeo & Juliet go to the Park.
Once upon a time, in a land far away called In The Woods Behind The Recycling Centre, an amoeba hammered freely. but one day, this amoeba Romeo started to feel euphoric. So, to fix this, they spelt at the park. All of a sudden, a Mr Lang called Juliet came up to him and said "Hey, I'd like to scratch your chair." Romeo's thumb went under the bridge, and they held eachother's toes and skipped off to the Library where they lived happily ever after.